I’ll refer to this gentleman sitting front row stage left as “Pookie”. Pookie had decided that the “Big Daddy Cheese Coney” that Shelley was serving up in concessions didn’t agree with his stomach. So as Pookie and “white hair” were making their way up the aisle - “aisle cleanup” were shuffling to row A with buckets and magic erasers in hand. And, my friends - this was just scene one from intermission.
“We’ve MOVED!” read the sign on the double glass front doors on the vacant building that our lonely gray suburban set in front of. This was not just any building though. This was a massive Theatre in one of the South’s most popular tourist destinations, Gatlinburg, TN. You could make out the faded remains of a sign that once read “MEMORIES”, but now it was just that - a faded memory. At that point all I could think of was...”How ironic!”
This past year my family decided instead of huddling up together at the farm house for our annual Thanksgiving pie eating contest, we’d put our feast-uh-val on the road and have a day of thanks tucked in the tender Tennessee hills of Gatlinburg, TN. I thought this was a grand idea, given the fact that it would be “Black Friday” and I could practice my mad pepper spraying skills on the women who wanted to mow me over to get the last of the taupe and terracotta indian feather dream catchers! I drove over 300 miles for that sister....AIN’T HAPPENIN’!
The back story begins a little farther east though, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Myrtle Beach is one of my family’s favorite vacation destinations. Mainly because it is the home of Vanna White and you know they are doing something up right - she can turn a square letter like none other. Not to mention she’s a role model for young girls. Lesson: spend your whole life taking orders from a man, keep your mouth shut, smile and put every last ounce of your effort into your image - beauty is everything.
The miles and miles of white sandy beaches stretch along the sunny coast. But if you think delicious ice cream and senior buffet discounts are why we go to the Palmetto State you are wrong. My parents love Myrtle Beach because of the “shows”, as they refer to them. They spend weeks researching the internet and buying tickets in advance for the many variety shows that this area has to offer its patronage.
One show in particular that they (well we - I hate to admit it but I like it to) fancy is a show entitled “LEGENDS”. It features the likes of Tina Turner, Dolly Parton, Cher, Blues Brothers, Celine Dion and of course...the King himself...ELVIS! All impersonators of course, for those of you who still believe that Elvis is still alive. I mean he is dead on Elvis but it is not him. (no pun intended) But, world renowned impersonators who actually do this for a living.
While scanning “Pigeon Forge TODAY!” my Aunt Patti found an advertisement for “MEMORIES”. The ad had us all excited because it resembled the likes of the adored show that we see every year in Myrtle Beach. At this point I was more tickled than Elmo circa 2006. I never knew what “cabin fever” was until I was actually stranded in a cabin starring at the horizon of pines for three days straight. And, I now know why people hug trees - not because they love them, they do it out of shear boredom.
“There it is - TURN RIGHT!” I screamed from the backseat - knowing if we missed our turn it would take us at least an hour to cut across the 8 lanes of traffic. And, here we were - a house of worship? Never in a million years did I think I would be walking into a church to see an Elvis impersonator giving his testimony. There’s a first time for everything, and this church had been transformed into the new “MEMORIES” location.
Felt painted Elvis portraits, autographed pictures and “I LOVE REBA” t-shirts littered the lobby. Blue 80‘s carpet from wall to wall and mini brown rose wallpaper soared from floor to ceiling. To really give you an idea, it was like walking into a Denny’s at 2 am on I-75 route to Georgia. Dated, but homey. I immediately spotted the slushy machine...but that’s not important.
I beelined for the sanctuary to find my seat. Second row and close enough to the oversized gold stage curtain, I knew for certain I was in for a real treat!
“It’s Just a Tender Tennessee Christmas” was being sang by Michelle - who was still eyeing me with that painted red smile - drawing me in with those hungry eyes and selling it with a wink. I had locked eyes with Michele early on, not because I was in any way, shape or form interested in her - but because I couldn’t figure out why her hair looked like it had been deep fried earlier in the day at KFC. Michelle was "Memories" star attraction. Waitress by day, entertainer/impersonator by night. And, at this point I had already been subjected to “Jeff Foxworthy” redneck jokes, and “Conway Twitty” straining out his rendition of “It’s Only Make Believe”. And, applause....
As the curtains came down a distinct foul odor rose. And, “He PUKED!”...
Uncontrollable laughter filled our row, mainly because this puking incident was just icing on the already well frosted cake. An hour before my brother had helped Grandaddy McCoy up off of the floor after falling up the steps to get to his seat. Not to mention gotten up three times to allow Mamaw Meijers out to visit the restroom. From the very first song up to this point my sister and I thought we were being punk’d. We knew that at any moment Ashton was going to jump out from behind a column and scream in our faces.
The coveted front row section was filled with the likes of ELVIS groupies. And, between all of them they had one great set of teeth. I distinctly remember a couple of women getting overwhelmed with joy when the announcer said “ELVIS after INTERMISSION”. You would have thought Ed had just showed up at the door with rainbow balloons and a large piece of cardboard. And, after seeing their reaction to the brown polyester suited ELVIS - I am convinced they truly believed this was ELVIS!
The last time I was sitting in a church pew I was singing “How Great Thou Art”. This time I was clapping my hands to “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” and “Jail House Rock!”
I scanned the audience only to find half were asleep, some gone to the restroom, many trying to figure out where they were, and the rest grinning from ear to ear as if they had just heard “It’s a GIRL!”
“LEGENDS” it was not - however, “MEMORIES” is definitely a fitting name.
You could have your photo taken sitting on a Harley surrounded by the performers for a very low price of $19.95. However the sign overhead read “NO PERSONAL PHOTOS ON THE MOTORCYCLE!” All I wanted was a personal photo on the motorcycle. I mean - I could have made it impersonal and not shown my face.
For those of you who think I make this ridiculousness up...please see videos below.
So, next time I see advertisements claiming to create a "memory" - I will undoubtedly believe them!
Jarret
Mama likes ELVIS!
Please see Michelle at 1:00! She is the backup singer working the tambourine on the right!
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